Summer Talkback Series - Jeffrey Heine on A Theology of Disappointment
Download MP3Good evening, everyone. Good evening, and we're welcome. Welcome to our first summer talk back. We're really excited, that you guys are all here. So eager to spend the next hour to an hour and a half investigating disappointment.
Matt Francisco:We're gonna take a poll after all of this to figure out what it was in your life that was so soul crushing that you showed up here on a Wednesday night to just dive a little bit deeper. I think that joke was better than you're making it out to be. The format for tonight, in case you haven't been to one of these before, is Jeff will be teaching for roughly 30 to 45 minutes on a theology of disappointment. But in the meantime, this is the only time you're gonna hear this at Redeemer. We would love for you to go ahead and pull out your phones and type in slido.com, and you can either enter, hashtag talkback or slash back slash talkback, and you can submit your questions in real time to Jeff.
Matt Francisco:We will take a couple minute break after he is done presenting. There's some cookies and coffee back there, and then, I will ask Jeff some of your questions, and you can upvote those questions during that time or while he's speaking. Preferably not while he's speaking. That's really about all I've got. We've got 3 more of these, later this summer.
Matt Francisco:Look forward to having you guys at those. I'm gonna pray for us, and then we'll go ahead and get started. Father, we come before you this evening, and we are asking you, to speak to us by the power of your holy spirit. I made a joke about it, but my brothers and sisters are here because they wanna hear from you. Because they have faced disappointment in their lives.
Matt Francisco:There have been many things that have happened to them that do not make sense, that do not seem in keeping with your character or your promises. And we're asking for a word from you. So I pray that you would guide Jeff, that his words would be coming, as he is guided by your spirit, they would land on our ears, that they would bring us comfort as they bring us back to truth. Lord, and I pray that at the end of this evening and moving forward for the rest of our lives, you would deepen our trust in you because you are trustworthy. We pray these things in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Matt Francisco:Amen.
Jeffrey Heine:Thanks, Matt. Well, hey, everybody. Hi, everybody. Good to be with you all. I really love the talk back format.
Jeffrey Heine:You know, we started it many years ago at Redeemer. Started off just happening on a front porch on a summer night, and we talked about what happens after we die. So one of those fun It's always been fun. But, the format has mostly stayed the same. Even as we moved to like a coffee shop, we met at what's now Frothy Monkey when it was urban standard.
Jeffrey Heine:Yeah, we were there for a number of years and then we moved to Cantina, which also is now fun fun. Not fun fun. Hot and hot. So when we go places, they close. And then we went to Avondale Brewery.
Jeffrey Heine:We were there for a number of years, and now now here we are in our own space. But I love the format. As Matt was describing it, there's just this time of teaching, for you to formulate questions, and then there's talk back. We get to have a conversation. And I like how different this is from preaching because there are some things that are similar, but there are a lot of things that are different.
Jeffrey Heine:And, and one part of that is the fact that it's a conversation. But it begins, with some opening remarks and and maybe more than some. I So why the topic of disappointment? Over the past 16 years at Redeemer, my work as a pastor has involved walking with people through numerous and various, disappointments in life. And it's a privilege to be in that vulnerable space with people, but it's often hard to make sense of what's happened.
Jeffrey Heine:And sometimes it isn't even obvious that the issue is disappointment. Because someone can come into my office, sit down on my couch, and they can be so angry, or so sad, or so confused, or what I would say is sometimes the most startling, so apathetic. They just don't care. Disappointment can feel like a lot of things. And certainly we have all experienced disappointment.
Jeffrey Heine:And we have all disappointed others. As a pastor, I found that it's not enough to simply say that disappointment is just part of life. Shrug it off as an inevitability. We just have to live with. So, for a few years now, I've been researching and exploring and writing on the topic of disappointment.
Jeffrey Heine:And if you can't tell, I'm very excited. This is my excited face. I learned during COVID when we had to Zoom all the time and I would just catch in the corner this box, and I would realize I just have a resting, angry old man face. And so for those of you that have ever had to just look at it for long periods of time, I do apologize. But there's nothing I can do about it.
Jeffrey Heine:It's just this old man from Home Alone, shoveling the sidewalks. That's it is. Let's be honest. As I've been researching this topic, I have found that most of the books, most of the teaching on it are about either preventing disappointment or overcoming disappointment. These quick fixes usually read like a proverb.
Jeffrey Heine:But if you sit with them long enough, you you can see how hollow and even harmful they can be. An example. This is one that I've seen pretty pervasive. It's this, life has taught me to never expect anything from anyone, and you'll never be disappointed. There's even a song that has that entire proverb as its title, and the song is as terrible as you can imagine.
Jeffrey Heine:Never expect anything from anyone. That's how you can avoid disappointment. That's the best we've come up with. That's like saying the world is a dangerous place. Have you considered never leaving the house?
Jeffrey Heine:Never expect anything from anyone. Number 1, that's impossible, which means you don't really need a number 2, but I'll give you another one. Number 1, it's impossible. Number 2, what kind what kind of existence would it be to expect nothing from anyone? That would mean no trust, no relationships, no care, ultimately no hope for anything good in life.
Jeffrey Heine:And as followers of Jesus, we know that little fixes don't address big problems. Avoiding the possibility of disappointment or willing ourselves to get over it. It doesn't address the greater longings, the bigger questions of our souls. We need to do more to understand disappointment. And as followers of Jesus, we we need to think theologically about what disappointment is, what causes it, and what do we do with it when we experience it.
Jeffrey Heine:I do wanna say just a few words on theology. Especially since this is our first talk back of the summer. When we first started the talk backs at Redeemer, I called them theological talk backs because I'm really good at branding. But I found that people can get a little uncomfortable around the words theology and theological. And and maybe that's because the word theology is used by so many different people in so many different ways that it's kind of a waste of time to argue about a true definition.
Jeffrey Heine:So what what I can do is tell you how I intend to use it. I use the word theology to mean thinking about God. When we are thinking about God, we are doing theology. And all Christians think about God. And it generals, theology is too important to be left to the theologians, to the professionals.
Jeffrey Heine:As followers of Jesus, we are all called. We are all entitled to, we're all encouraged to think about God. And how we think about God is critical to what we do every day. Our beliefs, our loving, our trusting, our obeying Jesus. We seek to love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength.
Jeffrey Heine:And theology is part of loving God with our minds. And we desire to think of him often and rightly. And to do that, God has given us 3 gifts, His Spirit, His Word, and His Church. Theology, our thinking about God, is not to be done in isolation. Theology is best done in community.
Jeffrey Heine:And that is where we seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit in the through the scriptures together. And so when I say theology of disappointment, I mean we are thinking about our disappointment in tandem with, in connection with our thinking about God. I also mean that we will not think deeply or rightly about our disappointment From Genesis to Revelation, the bible is full of stories of disappointment. Even the gospel accounts, the the story of Jesus life and his ministry are full of disappointments. So if you've been disappointed And I believe that the scriptures resonate with the theme that God has something to say about that.
Jeffrey Heine:At some time and in some manner, we've all experienced disappointment. And not only have we been disappointed, but we have had the experience of disappointing someone else that we care about. And as I said earlier, in my research on this topic of disappointment, I have found the majority of the writings and lectures to be about preventing disappointment or overcoming disappointment. But there isn't much that I have found written about understanding our disappointment. Avoiding it or just willing ourselves to get over it does not address those greater longings and bigger questions.
Jeffrey Heine:So we need to think theologically about what disappointment is, what what causes us to be disappointed, and what to do with that disappointment that we experience. So if you're here tonight, as I said, and you have been disappointed or you have disappointed others, then I believe that we will find that God has much to say to us and much for us to think theologically about. So, first, what is disappointment? We got the biggest whiteboard markers we could find. We'll see how it goes.
Jeffrey Heine:That kept me from writing disappointment again. What is disappointment? Disappointment. So it's where expectation And experience. We have our expectation, and then we have our experience.
Jeffrey Heine:Disappointment lives right in between. It lives in the gap between what we expect and what we experience, what we desire and what we get. It's this response to our non fulfillment, what we want and what we got. It's this gap between our dreams and our reality. We respond to this dissonance, this space between the 2.
Jeffrey Heine:The space that exists between our expectations and our experience. It's that response to the non fulfillment. The life that our hearts desire and our minds dream. It's rarely the life we live. And this means there is always potential for disappointment.
Jeffrey Heine:The possibility of disappointment is constant. Some of you are already disappointed with tonight. Maybe you thought the topic was a joke, and you're disappointed that it really is about disappointment. Maybe you thought someone in particular was going to be here, and you get to see them, and they aren't here, and you're disappointed. Or the flip of that, maybe there's someone here that you've been avoiding and they show up and that's all you can think about.
Jeffrey Heine:Disappointment, it's as pervasive as it is consuming. But disappointment does not appear out of nowhere. It's not like surprise, fear, laughter. Disappointment does not burst onto the scene in and of itself. Disappointment is grown over time, like a cicada in the ground, emerging 7 years later.
Jeffrey Heine:So where does it come from? How does it grow? In short, what what causes us this disappointment? So sources. The first source that we'll explore together, it's events.
Jeffrey Heine:There are many sources for our disappointment and the sources are multi directional, but events. When one thinks of the greatest all time films made by humankind in this century or another, One must mention the 1989 masterpiece of cinema, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Thank you. On the eve of the extended family arriving at the Griswold home, Clark and Ellen are talking in bed. And Clark says, I want to have Christmas here in our house.
Jeffrey Heine:It means a lot to me. All of my life, I've wanted to have a big family Christmas. And Ellen says, I know. It's just that I know how you build things up in your mind. You set standards that no family event can ever live up to.
Jeffrey Heine:Clark, when have I ever done that? Ellen, Parties, weddings, anniversaries, funerals, holidays, vacations, graduations. Clark, good night, honey. Events can disappoint us. Our expectations are built up over time.
Jeffrey Heine:They're grown over time in our hearts and our minds. Things like, moving to a new city. Maybe Birmingham is not your hometown and you had these ideas of what moving to Birmingham would be like. You came here to check it out, you went to a couple of restaurants, You thought it was gonna be like that all the time, and it's not. Starting a new job, a trip, a vacation.
Jeffrey Heine:There's this, amazing sketch on, Saturday night live a few years ago. I think Adam Sandler was hosting, and it was about, inviting people on a tour of Italy. But he keeps reminding the person, like in the commercial, just remember, you will still be you just in Italy. So whatever you've got going on here, you will take that with you just in Italy. And I need that reminder.
Jeffrey Heine:It was funny because it is so true. A vacation that you've waited for for a long time, A night out, a dinner that you've been waiting for, a party, time with extended family, holiday season, a birthday, a mission trip, a wedding. There's nothing quite like a wedding to start an argument with your spouse. It's a wonderful thing that happens like clockwork. Then there are the bigger things, bigger events, like a health crisis, read new member testimonies of people coming into our church family who have, at some point in their story said, baseball, ballet, gymnastics was life until Until some moment where an ACL is torn, or they're cut from the team.
Jeffrey Heine:They they thought all of their life was going to be like this, and then it just stops. Tragedies, accidents, even smaller things like a movie or a book, we can be disappointed because it doesn't live up to what our expectations are. Events can disappoint us, but more often than not, it's people. Now break these down into 2, communities, church, the church, capital C, the church universal, or a local church, a school, a workplace, the staff that you work with, a neighborhood, neighbors, a political party, a team that you are a part of or a fan of. These groups, as a collective, can disappoint us.
Jeffrey Heine:And then to individuals, friends, parents, siblings, dating partners, spouses, children, a coworker about a boss, a roommate, a classmate, a leader that you've looked up to. Groups and individuals, people can disappoint us. Not only built up expectations that might be too high, but just baseline, normal, realistic, unremarkable expectations, people can disappoint us. And sometimes they disappoint us through deliberate actions, and other times it's through absence or omission. Sometimes it's on purpose and sometimes it's through no fault of their own.
Jeffrey Heine:They didn't ask to get sick. They didn't ask to miss your big day. They weren't looking to let you down, But people cause us disappointment. And here's a complicated one. Self.
Jeffrey Heine:I disappoint me. I fail to live up to the expectations that I have set for myself. The bar that I've set, that I'm even in control of when I say, I'm at least this good, I'm at least this disciplined, I'm at least this kind of a friend, a brother, a husband, a father, a coworker. I'm at least this, and I fail even that. I disappoint me.
Jeffrey Heine:And again, these don't have to be great expectations. These can be baseline normal real less realistic expectations of myself, and yet I fail and I disappoint myself. And just like others, there are times when my own body or mind or my own inabilities or weaknesses lead to disappointment. I'm not trying to disappoint myself, but it happens. And not only that, when I disappoint others, I disappoint myself then too.
Jeffrey Heine:And lastly and most complicated of all, God. Now disappointment with God, ultimately, it takes on all of this. Right? We can lump all of these other sources into this one because God is over everything. And so we relate all disappointments ultimately to Him.
Jeffrey Heine:We might be disappointed in the way that we are treated by a family member or a friend, but because God is sovereign overall, my disappointment with my family or my friend now extends to disappointment with God. Why would you let this happen? Why would this good thing be so bad? My disappointment with my job, my disappointment with my health, my disappointment with my church now extends to disappointment with God. And we need to recognize that we are susceptible to disappointment from all these different sources, especially with God.
Jeffrey Heine:Only then can we name the unnamed feelings, the still felt disappointment that we may unknowingly feel with God, a disappointment that hinders our prayers, our worship, our trust, and our obedience to Jesus. A disappointment that hinders us from being the flourishing disciples we are called to be. Because if we don't even acknowledge or recognize that we have this disappointment with God, if we can't name it, but we feel it, we walk in it, then we will walk in that hindrance of disappointment. Most often in my own life, I am disappointed with God regarding things He never promised me. Does that resonate with you?
Jeffrey Heine:If I'm honest, if I'm I'm truly reflective of my own disappointment with God, it is because I've expected something from Him that He never promised me. That doesn't mean that I wanted or desired or hoped for something bad. In fact, it might have been very good, but He has not promised that thing. And I have to admit that. That doesn't take away the feeling of disappointment, but is the first step in moving forward in in preparing for the future.
Jeffrey Heine:There's a song that we sometimes sing in church. We haven't in a while. But it has a refrain that says, you're never gonna let me down. Think about this in the best scenario. But your experience will not always match your But your experience will not always match your expectations.
Jeffrey Heine:And you will experience disappointment with God. And those moments, I can't say you're never going to let me down. In fact, I've experienced in my own life and walk with Jesus that God lets me down. I have an expectation, and it might even be good and it does not match my experience. And that gap, that dissonance between the 2, I feel that disappointment with God.
Jeffrey Heine:We'll talk about what we do with that later. But the first thing is to acknowledge it. In that sense, we do have to admit that, yes, God will let us down. God will let your desires and your ex your expectations not match your experience. And in that sense, that gap And so we need to admit, in that sense, God will let us down.
Jeffrey Heine:But hear this, he will never let you go. In God's infinite wisdom, he's willing to let you down because of his love for you. And because of that same love that is letting you down, he is promising not to let you go. If you've ever been in charge of a young child, you have experienced the frustration of denying a child something that they want for their good. We can't have candy and ice cream for dinner.
Jeffrey Heine:And some of us are already fighting that summer battle of turn off the TV and go outside. You can't watch TV for 12 hours a day. And in that moment, the child feels that you have let them down from the thing that they want. Disappointment. It comes from many different sources, from events, from communities, from individuals, from ourselves, and from God.
Jeffrey Heine:But let's not miss how often we contribute to this disappointment ourselves. An example of a contribution. If throughout your day, you are investing in an unhelpful idealism, that would be disordered expectations. If you are watching and reading or listening to media that serves to inflate your expectations, those are contributions to your disappointment. But we need to understand how ubiquitous this is.
Jeffrey Heine:Everything we watch, read, listen to forms and informs our expectations, what we desire and believe we should have. And most of you right now have a device with you that is an expectation factory. Your phone is constantly contributing to your expectations for your life. We feed the narratives of our expectation throughout our days, throughout our nights. Every day, our eyes, our ears, our minds are filled with content that will increase this dissonance between our expectations and our experience, our desires, our wants, and what we get.
Jeffrey Heine:The whole business of social media is built on the truth that disappointed people make the best consumers. We buy to get happier. We buy to feel a sense of agency. We buy to distract ourselves. We buy hoping to close this gap between our expectations and our reality.
Jeffrey Heine:And in the end, the whole process has only increased our dissonance, has only increased that disappointment because this keeps chasing this. Our expectation keeps chasing our experience and it never meets up. This expectation factory, It tells us, you don't travel like these people do. You don't wake up to views like these people. Hotels like this.
Jeffrey Heine:You don't dress like this. You don't achieve like this. You don't date like this. You don't have a family like this. You don't have money like this.
Jeffrey Heine:You don't have a job like this. You don't live like this. And while it is in the interest of every tech company, every retailer, every content creator to keep you disappointed, it's also in their interest to make us believe that you are one click, one purchase, one swipe away from not being disappointed anymore. And whether you know it or not, you are daily, if not hourly, making deposits into your expectation accounts. You are making contributions that are increasing the gap between your expectations and your reality.
Jeffrey Heine:And in that, contributing to the deepening of your disappointment. So if this is what is disappointment and this is these these are the sources of our disappointment. How do we think theologically about disappointment? Well, an important question to get out of the way is, is experiencing disappointment sin? No.
Jeffrey Heine:Experiencing disappointment is not a sin. Not in the sense that it's a transgression against God's commands in some way. A few weeks ago, I I preached from our gospel of Mark series. And I said that the opposite of sin is faith. Disappointment is not sin.
Jeffrey Heine:But disappointment is always related to sin. So how do we come to that conclusion? Well, 3 ways that disappointment is related to sin. First is disappointment exists because of the brokenness in the world. And that brokenness comes from sin.
Jeffrey Heine:Secondly, disappointment is often connected to the sins of others and to our own sin. Not always, but it's often connected to, the treatment of others or how someone has treated us in a way that that may be sinful. And 3rd, disappointment is often connected to disordered desire. Should, well, well, that can lead us to sin. And Tim Keller was so helpful in helping the modern church understand that this disordered desire, desiring something good more than it should be desired is is making idols.
Jeffrey Heine:So while disappointment is related to sin, we do need to see that experiencing disappointment or causing disappointment in others is not always sinful. In fact, it can be the result of holiness. One way that we know that experiencing within ourselves or causing disappointment in others is not always sinful but can be a result of holiness is because we see in the gospels that Jesus both experienced disappointment and he absolutely disappointed others. And a clue when we are exploring this, and we wanna see this in the gospels, in the new testament, these accounts of Jesus' life. So we look for the word grumbling.
Jeffrey Heine:Jesus dining with sinners. It's recorded in Luke chapter 5. It says, and Levi made him a great feast in his house and there was a large company of tax collectors and others reclining at table with him. And the Pharisees and their scribes grumbled at his disciples saying, why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners? But it wasn't just the Pharisees.
Jeffrey Heine:Even the disciples of Jesus were disappointed. In John chapter 6, we read, when many of his disciples heard it, they said, this is a hard say, who can listen to it? But Jesus, knowing in himself that his disciples were grumbling about this, said to them, do you take offense at this? Then what if you were to see the son of man ascending to where he was before? It is the spirit who gives life.
Jeffrey Heine:The flesh is no help at all. The words I've spoken to you are spirit and life. But there are some of you who do not believe. Jesus, both in those who might be considered the outsiders, the the political elite, the religious elite, they were grumbling and disappointed that this man is coming around saying that he is the Messiah and does not look like anything that they expect the Messiah to look like. And then Jesus starts teaching.
Jeffrey Heine:And even his disciples, the people that followed him around, they would hear these hard teachings from him. And they would say, that doesn't match what I was expecting from the Messiah. Grumbling. It's a picture that Jesus himself disappointed others. So if it's related to sin, but it's not always due to sin, our disappointment is not always caused by sin, our sin or someone else's, Sometimes it can be caused by holiness.
Jeffrey Heine:A holy disappointment as Jesus disappoints those around him. So what do we do then? What do we do with our disappointment? Three options. Like I said, this was the primary thing that I found in my research on the topic of disappointment was how to prevent disappointment.
Jeffrey Heine:So first to prevent is to don't expect, to keep the disappointment from happening, keep that dissonance low by having low expectations Preventing expectation by preventing desire, by hoping for nothing, what kind of an existence would that be? If we don't expect, we don't hope. What if I told you that I come up to a place in my life where I don't expect anything from my job as a pastor? What if I told you that I don't expect anything from my wife? I just don't wanna be disappointed.
Jeffrey Heine:So I just don't expect anything from her. How tragic would that be? How tragic would it be for me to say, you know, I've been hurt by the church so many times. I've got church hurt. I've been hurt by the church so many times.
Jeffrey Heine:I've just come not to expect anything good. How tragic would my life be? If in trying to prevent disappointment, I got rid of hope. Hope for anything good just to keep that pain away. That's not healthy.
Jeffrey Heine:It's tragic. Prevent. 2nd option, control. In control, we prevent the dissonance between expectation and experience I'm I'm gonna push through. I don't care what God says.
Jeffrey Heine:I don't even care what these people say. I don't care about the circumstances and events in my life. I'm gonna power through and get what I want, whatever the cost. I'm gonna look out for me. That that focus of self that says I'm going to I'm going to be able to override all these people disappointing me, including God, because I am going to look out for me.
Jeffrey Heine:And if I do that, maybe I can decrease this dissonance, this space between, this unfulfillment. You've seen this. The friend or family member that marries that person, because they really wanted to be married and they thought they'd be married by now. So they married that person to get the thing they wanted, to endure whatever the cost, whatever sorrows might come, whatever frustrations might come, but I got the thing that I've been wanting. Taking the job, moving to the place, going into the debt, whatever the cost, whatever it takes, control.
Jeffrey Heine:Nothing can disappoint me because I am I won't let it. I prevent it. Jackson Pollock, I'm not sure if you've ever seen one of his paintings before, you probably remember it. Big swirly mess, it's usually the kind of thing that someone says, my kid could paint that, and I would say, fantastic. That would make you a lot of money.
Jeffrey Heine:And no, your child cannot paint that. One of the most profound experiences of my life was sitting in front of a Jackson Pollock painting and just beholding it, just seeing it. And in some transcendent moment, it started to see me, and it was wild. But he was asked how a reporter came from Life Magazine. Magazines were paper things.
Jeffrey Heine:They anyway. But he would he would paint on the ground, and he he would drizzle the paint. And he was asked one time as he was doing that, how do you keep the mistake from happening? And he said, I deny the mistake. So many of us in our response to disappointment, we just say, I'm going to deny.
Jeffrey Heine:I'm going to deny it. I'm going to say that it can't get to me. I'm gonna say that it can't hurt me. I'm gonna look out for me because nobody else will. Which leads to the 3rd option.
Jeffrey Heine:We'll call this one accept. This is the bury it deep down inside option. Bury it. Don't bring it up. Pretend like it never happened.
Jeffrey Heine:It is conceal, don't feel We told that to children. We told children to conceal, don't feel, and made it the best song on the round. I mean, that that concept is pervasive though. Don't feel it. Except that there will always be this this space between, accept that that's just how life goes.
Jeffrey Heine:And do your best to move past it like a like a hand going through a flame. If you move through it fast enough, it can't hurt you. And you've seen this, the person that goes from dating 1 person to another person before you found out they broke up with the first person. Catches up to it. It's not gonna work.
Jeffrey Heine:It's not gonna work. It's not gonna work. It's not gonna work. It's not gonna work. It's not gonna work.
Jeffrey Heine:It's not gonna work. It's not gonna work. It's not gonna work. Maybe for a moment, but it catches up to us. This acceptance is an attempt to manage the disappointments by minimizing their impact.
Jeffrey Heine:It's damage control. It's just saying I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine over and over again, as though it's true, the more times you say it, and it's not. We minimize the situation, but the pain still hurts. Just saying, I'm fine, over and over doesn't actually make you fine. Three options.
Jeffrey Heine:Prevent disappointment, control it, or accept it, and try to deny its effects. I'd like to offer a 4th option. Surrender. In surrender, we surrender our expectations, we surrender our experiences, we surrender our desires, our reality. We surrender our disappointment and the pain and the anger and the frustration of the non fulfillment.
Jeffrey Heine:We bring it all to Jesus. Now that can have, like, if we just said, alright, Sunday school's over. We finally got to the answer Jesus. It can seem too simple. Unless this Jesus has suffered more than we have.
Jeffrey Heine:Unless he has experienced a pain of disappointment far greater than we have. Because then we can go to him. If he has experienced it more deeply than we have, if he is more powerful than our attempts at control, if he is the one who guards our steps, then we can surrender to him. We surrender our expectations. We surrender our experience.
Jeffrey Heine:And, I'll offer kind of 3, movements in surrender. The first is this, to recognize, The first is this, to recognize. I almost spelled it with an s because I'm practically British. We recognize our past, our present disappointments, we admit them. Maybe first, we admit them to ourselves.
Jeffrey Heine:And then as quickly as possible, we admit them to God. We admit we recognize the disappointments in our hearts, in our minds, in our lives. We name it. We articulate it. We use our words By recognizing the disappointment in our lives, by getting specific, we avoid the trap of trying to minimize or dismiss our pain, our sadness, our frustration.
Jeffrey Heine:In a sense, we honor our feeling of disappointment by admitting that it is real. It also means that we are living an authentic relationship with our God because we are sharing with him how we are actually thinking and feeling, not how we suppose we're supposed to think or feel. And we come to God as children in need. And rather than believing the lie of self sufficiency, we're admitting that we need a savior to save us. So first, we recognize our We resolve our past and our present disappointment in our stories.
Jeffrey Heine:We process it. We process it in community and we process it with the Lord. We ask hard questions. Even self reflective questions like, what may I have contributed to this disappointment? What may I have contributed to that expectation growing in my heart and my mind?
Jeffrey Heine:How did this disappointment happen? Is there anything I could have done differently? What desires or expectations might be disordered? Could I have expected differently, behave differently, believe differently? And perhaps most importantly, in resolving our past and our present disappointments, we cast our cares on Christ and we are comforted by God.
Jeffrey Heine:We posture ourselves in prayer True is like the Lord is my keeper, Psalm 121. Like the Lord is my keeper, Psalm 1 120. It's like he who began a good work and me will see it to completion. Philippians 1 or 6 or Romans 8, nothing can separate me from his love. Not even this disappointment.
Jeffrey Heine:Or in Revelation 21, when he who is seated on the throne says, behold, I am making all things new. We cast our cares on Christ and we are comforted by the recalibrating truth of God. Lastly, we regulate. We regulate our future disappointment. We yield.
Jeffrey Heine:We surrender these things, this ongoing reassessment and reordering of our desires and our expectations. We regulate the disappointments of our future by preparing for it, not preventing it, not trying to control it, not just accepting it, but we prepare. We are fortified to be resilient. We cannot control our disappointment no more than we can control our heartbeat. But there are things that we can do to regulate our heart rate and it and it we can do things to make it stronger for the times of stress.
Jeffrey Heine:We offer our disordered, desires, and expectations to be reordered by God. Often my disappointment can be traced back to my disordered expectations. I do not always desire or expect the right thing. In Jeremiah chapter 17, the prophet says, the the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick. Who can understand it?
Jeffrey Heine:I, the Lord, search the heart and test the mind to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds. We need the spirit of God through the word, through prayer, through godly brothers and sisters, through mentors, through community to help reorder our expectations and desires, to be in line with God's Spirit, God's will, and His word. That is how we regulate our disappointments. We can't prevent every disappointment. We can't control every disappointment and we don't need to despairingly collapse into every disappointment.
Jeffrey Heine:But we can process them with the Lord and prepare for the future. We prepare not in fear, like preparing a panic room or, I remember, in the eighties, there was this long stretch of time where we kept missing school in Kentucky. We were on the New Madrid fault line and we kept missing school because someone had kept predicting, that there was gonna be an earthquake. And so we had, out in this shed in our backyard, bottled water and and blankets and, food that I'm sure by now is no longer good. But there's this panic.
Jeffrey Heine:It's not a panic preparation. It's not a preparation in fear. It's a preparation in faith. We prepare in faith, knowing that the only true comfort in life and death is that we belong to Jesus and he will not let us go. Even when we feel the dissonance, even when we feel the disappointment that he is letting us down, he will not let us go.
Jeffrey Heine:And because he will not let us go, we can actually begin to see disappointment as a gift. Not a gift we desire, not a gift that we want, but a gift nonetheless that will ultimately benefit us as followers of Jesus. Malcolm Muggeridge, whom I promise is not a character of Harry Potter. He wrote in 1969 in a book called Jesus Rediscovered. He wrote these words, quote, the only ultimate disaster that can befall us, I have come to realize, is to feel ourselves at home here on Earth.
Jeffrey Heine:Let me say it again. The only ultimate disaster that can befall us, I have come to realize, is to feel ourselves to be at home here on earth. Consider that. This means that disappointment can be how God is showing you that he is faithful, trustworthy, and steadfast. It means that disappointment can be the means by which you are being reminded that you are not home yet.
Jeffrey Heine:Perfect fulfillment is not here because this is not home. And disappointment can be an unwanted gift that reminds you that by belonging to Christ, body, soul, life and death, that you can expect without any fear of disappointment that Jesus is who he says he is, and he will do all that he has promised for his glory and for our great good. Let's pray together. Jesus, by your Spirit, would you confirm in our hearts the truth of your word, the truth of who you are, that nothing can separate us from your love, that you are steadfast, trustworthy, and true. And more than anything else, oh, Spirit, it is my prayer that you would help us to see Jesus.
Jeffrey Heine:Would you work that most excellent work into our hearts and minds and souls to behold the goodness of our great shepherd and our forever king. We pray these things in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Matt Francisco:Alright. For the sake of time, and especially for our children downstairs, we're gonna go ahead and get started. Jeff, before we dive into a couple of these questions Yes. First of all, thank you. Got 3 quick observations based on your talk.
Matt Francisco:1st, you might be the most aggressive whiteboard user I've ever seen.
Jeffrey Heine:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's 1.
Jeffrey Heine:Yeah. Yeah.
Matt Francisco:Number 2, I don't think anyone from Paducah, Kentucky has ever been confused with being an English citizen.
Jeffrey Heine:Well, Stephen Curtis Chapman is from Paducah. And, and also the Duca Paducah.
Joel Brooks:The Duca Paducah.
Jeffrey Heine:We got that guy. And then, I don't there there are not a lot of us.
Matt Francisco:I'm proud of you. You've come a long way. You're, you're 3rd. You're a true cosmopolitan. I mean, who could this probably the first time in human history that someone has weaved together Jackson Pollock, Elsa, and Clark Griswold in one talk.
Matt Francisco:So thank you.
Jeffrey Heine:It's just a little Well done.
Matt Francisco:I would love to start off with why is Jeff so good looking?
Jeffrey Heine:I mean, we'll we could talk about it.
Matt Francisco:I think they just want photographs with you after.
Jeffrey Heine:Happy. Happy to.
Matt Francisco:First real question. How can I tell the difference between disappointment and discontentment?
Jeffrey Heine:Great question. So, a tricky thing in all of this kind of exploring that I've been doing is trying to just see where differences lie, particularly with words. I try to be really careful, but also recognize that some of these things step on different words step on other words' toes. Where I would make a distinction is that discontentment usually has to do with, things. Like things that are are wanted, more tangible things of having or not having.
Jeffrey Heine:Although it's still something that is felt, it's something that has to be processed internally, usually has an external thing that can be pointed at, food, shelter, that that kind of thing. And so in plenty or in want when it is typically talking about the the physical things. It's not exclusive to that and discontentment can be pervasive in other other things, but that's where I like to make some distinction is that so while I did put like books and movies as like a part of an an event, wasn't associating disappointment with those, like, physical, tangible things. Does that make sense?
Matt Francisco:Yeah. I think that's really helpful. Next question. It feels like I've been waiting forever for God to change my circumstances. At what point do I need to do something different or ask different questions?
Matt Francisco:I think you began to dive into some of this towards the end, but would you elaborate on that at all?
Jeffrey Heine:It's a good question. There there's something that I presume in this in the in that last part, or I guess the part that is the question. Do I need to change my approach? What I'm assuming is so I can get the thing or or the circumstances change. And there's just not a way that we strong-arm God into, Like, there's not a there's not a magic code.
Jeffrey Heine:There's there's not a a thing that just unlocks so we get those things. So that's why I surrender. It's it's actually going to Him You know, I think of Hannah pouring her heart out, before the Lord. And I don't think it was because she, like, did it the right way that then the Lord was like, okay, I'll bless you in this way. Like, you've done it enough in the right way.
Jeffrey Heine:I think that he gave her that blessing. And I think that there are many people who have poured out their heart for longer than Hannah and have not gotten the thing. God was the same God to them and still loves them. And they're just as cherished. And, and so it doesn't always play out the same way.
Jeffrey Heine:So I don't think there's an unlocking of those things. It is a surrender. And what Hannah was doing was surrendering. She was surrendering, and and she had prayed those prayers many times, and kept going before the Lord. Even even our angriest prayer or most doubt filled prayer is communion with the Lord.
Jeffrey Heine:And he will always be at work in those places, to tend to us and to, to see us through.
Matt Francisco:I think that's really great, Jeff. I'm gonna go slightly off script and I'll follow-up. I think particularly in churches where we talk about God's sovereignty, we can talk in terms of surrender, knowing that God's going to do what God's going to do. But maybe what we're actually doing is trying to hedge our bets in case he doesn't do what we ask him to do. Yeah.
Matt Francisco:What would you say to the person who has been praying something that you would have described earlier as like a good and godly request, and they are worn out by God continuing to not answer what seems to be a a good request, To not, yeah, hedge their bets against disappointment, but to actually surrender?
Jeffrey Heine:Okay. Two places I would go. The first, once you've experienced the the disappointment, you you realize you can't hedge your bet. Like the the, oh, he's sovereign. He's gonna do what he wants.
Jeffrey Heine:Like, as soon as you feel the disappointment, as soon as you feel the pain, you either believe that he is sovereign and he's gonna do whatever he want or or you you run from it. And so it it cut it's it the disappointment reveals how much, the the the depth of trusting that He is sovereign and capable, that He is able. As the, as we were studying Mark, when the can. And And I think that's the posture. Later, we get Mark with the father who says, like, if you're able And and it's it's the inverse.
Jeffrey Heine:One is the, I believe you are able, and if you will, I know you can. And then the other one is, you might be able. And I think that the Lord uses disappointment to refine our understanding of those things. The second thing, just in a practical like, if you've been praying something for a long time and you feel like you've gotten to the end of the line for how many more times you can keep praying that thing, Take a breath, sit the bench, let your brothers and sisters pray it for you. Let them hold your arms up.
Jeffrey Heine:Let them carry the weight that you feel like you can't carry anymore. That's why they're there. The fact that any of us are strong is to be strong for those who are not to heap the blessings upon ourselves to grow stronger and stronger and stronger to just be like, you know, ultimate fighters in these things. Like, the the reason if you have strength, that strength is for your brother or sister who is not strong right now, which is why we are to live in community together, that we would carry one another's burdens. And then where do we take them?
Jeffrey Heine:Not our own strength. We take them to the Lord. And So if some if you're at that place, rather than say, you know, take a breather and then go back to the Lord and say, should I keep praying about this? I do think that's part of the conversation with the Lord. It's like, hey, if you if you want me to to surrender even the the request, I'll to surrender even the the request, I'll stop asking.
Jeffrey Heine:But that doesn't change the desire. And so I think that that needs to be held before the Lord. In Proverbs 69, it says, the heart of man desires a way and the Lord establishes his steps. We're made desiring beings. We desire a way, but it's the Lord who establishes steps.
Jeffrey Heine:He's the one who takes us on a path. And so he's not saying stop desiring a way, but he is saying desire my way and and to to move towards that. But, but I would say to the brother or the sister who is exhausted, number 1, that makes sense. You're not wrong for feeling exhausted. And 2, let your brothers and sisters pray the prayers that you feel like you can't right now.
Matt Francisco:I think it's really helpful, really encouraging. Reminded of a story about George Mueller who prayed for about 50 years for 2 of his non believing friends, and then he died. And then the story goes at least that one of them came to faith, like, at his funeral, and then led the other friend. And the Lord didn't have to show, sir, his family any of those things, but just a great reminder that he is he is always at work and his spirit is the one prompting us to pray things in accordance with his will, we may not have the eyes to see what he is doing at any given moment.
Jeffrey Heine:And and what if the greater gift is pouring our heart out before the lord than getting that thing, however great that thing might be. That thing might be incredible that we are praying for and worthy of our desire. But what what about what the Lord is achieving as we pour our heart out before him? Amen.
Matt Francisco:Alright. Oh man, so many good questions in here. You know what a great this one's slightly different tact, so I'm gonna skip to this one. How should we bear with friends when their disappointments don't go away for months or years, and it's all they talk about? Maybe they don't recognize, resolve, or regulate.
Matt Francisco:Maybe somebody in here needs to have a conversation.
Jeffrey Heine:Yeah. 1st, I would just say be gentle, And then don't let that gentleness keep you from being clear or firm over time.
Matt Francisco:And,
Jeffrey Heine:you know, plentiful are the kisses. Right? That that that come from an enemy, but but friends will say hard things. Real brothers and sisters will say the hard things, but but you don't shout them from a distance. They're usually quiet tones.
Jeffrey Heine:And you only get the quiet tones when you are near. And and so to the brother or sister, I I always kinda picture like the to the brother or sister who's sitting in the dark, you go sit with them. Before you tell them to pick up their mat and and and get on with it, you you sit with them. And it it it might be uncomfortable and it might be longer than you you want. And you might want to kind of take that gym coach, like blow the whistle and be like, alright.
Jeffrey Heine:It's time time to move on. I mean, we wanna love them enough to say the hard things, but patient enough like, love them enough to be patient enough to sit with them because they might not be able to fathom the strength that you think should be so easily accessible. And so to, another, you know, to call back, like, you have that strength because they don't. So how could that how could your strength be a benefit and blessing to them, So how could that how could your strength be of benefit and blessing to them when they are depleted? And it might be to remind them that that the Lord strengthens them.
Jeffrey Heine:And the Lord will be with them. And that they can pick up their mat. And and it is it is time. It's time. And and then to say and and I'm gonna I'm gonna help roll that mat up with you, and I'm gonna walk out of here with you.
Jeffrey Heine:And, like, we we're gonna do this together. But that takes like, you have to mean that. You can't just say it. Right? It's the same as, like, don't don't say you're gonna pray for someone if you don't.
Jeffrey Heine:Don't say, I'll sit here as long as it takes. Like, this isn't my timetable. I think that you should be out of here by now, that kind of a thing. You know, but to to say, like, I'm I'll I'll walk with you as long as I'll sit with you as long as it takes, and then I'll walk with you from there. And if we have to walk really slowly, we'll we'll walk slowly.
Jeffrey Heine:But that that type of patience, I mean, if that if that question is like a genuine, like, someone actually is in that situation right now, First off, you loving your brother or sister in that way shows that the Lord is at work in you and is using you to care for them. So your concern is God given. Continue to receive the strength from the Lord to to care for them well and to to be patient and gentle. And then when that firm word needs to be said, that might feel like a cut, you you stay there long enough to see if they start bleeding from that cut and then you tend to that as well. And you just it's a it's a commitment to be in those places.
Jeffrey Heine:And I know many of you have been walking with people, brothers and sisters in this church family for years in those kinds of scenarios. And you would like to be a lot further along than where you are, but wouldn't we
Matt Francisco:all? I think you more than almost anyone, have personally shaped and challenged me in that way, and I appreciate that. Even when you were sharing, I was thinking about, like Job's friends and how they sit in silence with them for a week before they open their mouths, and then they opened it in complete ignorance. Right? I would have lasted maybe 7 minutes.
Matt Francisco:You know, like, you get it. Right? I'm here. Now listen to me. I just think your your word is really, really important.
Matt Francisco:That there is a there is a time to speak the truth and love with gentleness and compassion. And then there's a time where even Jesus himself, he just sits and he weeps with Mary beside the tomb of her brother. And with that, I let my phone lock. What's
Jeffrey Heine:your password?
Matt Francisco:It's 9 wait. This is really interesting. Do you see a correlation between disappointment and deconstruction? And how do you walk through that with someone who just that just wants to see who Jesus really is?
Jeffrey Heine:There's a lot in that question.
Matt Francisco:Yes, there is.
Jeffrey Heine:So I don't think Jesus hides from us. I think we hide from him. And if your deconstruction is leading you to hide from him, that's that's on you. If you're wanting to see Jesus, worship with his people, open His word, pray long enough to listen. And I think that you'll start to see him.
Jeffrey Heine:And it might not be grand glorious eyes blinded on the road. It might not be that kind of a thing. But he will show you enough of himself for that mustard seed of trust about theology. I don't know about how to read Paul. I don't know I don't know about these things.
Jeffrey Heine:I don't I don't know about how this relates to politics or like, I don't know anything about Israel. Like, I don't know I don't know any of these things, But like, Jesus, can you show me enough of you that I can take another step? I think he does that. I think he does that because he actually loves us. And that his promises his promises are true.
Jeffrey Heine:And I don't think he's trying to trick or hide from anyone. And so if we come in a in a state of surrender before the Lord and say, can I behold you? I think that we get a Moses moment where where God's like, you can't handle seeing me. But I will show you enough that maybe today, you'll trust me for today. And tomorrow, ask again.
Jeffrey Heine:I think that's enough.
Matt Francisco:Amen, man. I feel like that is a great note for us to close on. You guys had a lot of other wonderful questions and keep them coming, keep asking. Your questions are are worthy of being asked, so ask them. As Jeff said, theology is best done in community.
Matt Francisco:Ask them amongst your friends, your home group. Elders and staff, we would love to walk through and walk alongside you because we need you too. I asked Chase Abel, a member of our college ministry staff to come and close us and pray for us. But as she's coming up, if y'all don't mind, you join me in just thanking Jeff.
Matt Francisco:Let's pray together. Jesus, we thank you that you are a good God who hears us, who sees us, and knows us. And, Lord, you are a God who never leaves us nor forsakes us, even in our disappointment with you, God. And I thank you that you are one who welcomes all parts of us, Lord. You aren't a God who tells us to bring our best selves into a sanctuary and worship and then pick up the hard parts when we leave, but you are a God who invites all parts of us, all broken parts of us to come to you.
Matt Francisco:And you tell us to give those parts of ourselves to you. So what I pray for myself, I pray for my friends in this room, and for our church that we would be a people who brings all parts of ourselves to you, our disappointments, our experiences, our expectations, our hopes, and our desires. Lord, I pray that as you give us the strength to do those things that you would give us a glimpse of your glory. That you would remind us along the way that you were good and that you never leave nor forsake us. God, we praise you and we thank you for Jeff's preparation and his wisdom.
Matt Francisco:Lord, thank you for the teaching we've gotten to sit under tonight, and thank you for the questions that we've gotten to process together. Be with us as we go from this space and help us to glorify you as we do so. To the name of the father, the son, and the spirit that we pray. Amen.
